I remember...

Yesterday was my birthday...another year older...doesn't feel any different. I wanted to share my journal entry from last night.

2/28/08

Today I went and volunteered in Jaxen's school. He is the Star Student this week. He got to show-and-tell today. He was so excited! It is so fun to watch him get so excited. Bridgit watched Owen and Ember while I was gone.

We went to Manuel's for my birthday dinner. Call it fate, because coincidence doesn't really fir, but we ran into one of Owen's NICU nurses! I couldn't believe it, I am sitting there scarfing chips and salsa and in walks Sarah with a group of her friends. (It took a minute to remember her name. After all, once you go through it you want to kind of forget about it.) So I kind of said "Sarah" a little loud to see if she would look up. Wanted to make sure it was her. (She wasn't wearing scrubs, lol). She looked up and automatically smiled and jumped up to come over. She remembered us!

She told me that Baby Baur had passed away. This was one of the babies that Owen shared a pod with for the majority of his stay. Baby Baur was in and out of the hospital. I guess he had something going on that they couldn't diagnose.

We chatted a bit. She took Owen to show her friends. She said they always hear about the bad days. She wanted to show him off! LOL Afterward, we both sat down to eat. I just had a flood of NICU memories.

She was there to comfort me during some rough times. She explained things so I could understand what was going on. She loved him and took good care of him. I really don't know how they do it. I remember just chatting with her and knowing Owen was taken care of when I wasn't there.

I remember the little space that Owen called home for 12 weeks. I remember the methodic changing of fluids, the white gloves, the carefully handled life lines c0nnected to my little boy. I remember the diaper that was smaller than the palm of my hand and a little boy not that much bigger than that. I remember wondering if my little guy was going to make it. Crying, smiling, living, hoping, and breathing all while my little one fought for his life.

I remember waiting....it was the longest 17 weeks of my life! Nothing to do by wait. So long ago, yet it was just a little over 6 months ago it all started.

You would never know now that Owen was that small, that tiny, that delicate. A little boy struggling to breathe on his own. Fighter of reflux, that was part of who he was.

He lies here now snoring...perfect...my son. God has given me the privilege of baring this small person into the world. Owen has a purpose, his fight for life is proof that he was chosen to be here during this dispensation.

I got to tell Sarah how thankful I was for her. How much she meant to me and Owen. One of his many partners in the fight. She will always have a special place in our hearts.

Was it coincidence? I don't think so. I was a gift for me on my birthday. To remember where I have been and to look forward to what the future holds. To know I can make it through anything with the help of the Lord. A time to look back, reflect, and let go of the fear and anxiety and live. To remember to loosen my frightened grasp from around Owen and let him grow and florish.

He is a big boy now, his smile reminds me everyday that he is happy and healthy and I know we have been blessed. I can't thank Him enough.